Something's not kosher

I don't keep kosher, but I have noticed that the laws of kashrut still seem to have some influence on my diet. I avoid eating some things that aren't kosher; on the other hand, for no rational reason, I have no problem with some other non-kosher foods. If I could rewrite Leviticus, this is how it would classify the following foods:

Shellfish: OK
Catfish: MARGINAL
Pork chops: NOT OK
Ham: NOT OK
Spam: SADLY, NO
Prosciutto: SINFUL BUT DELICIOUS
Pork egg roll: OK
Pork hot dog: NOT OK
Bacon: OK
Pork ribs: OK
Pork snouts: EWWW
Cheeseburger: MARGINAL
Sausage pizza: OK
Blueberry bagel: NOT KOSHER. MAY LIGHTNING STRIKE YOU DOWN.